For most people, New Year's is the time to a self check-in and evaluate the they're on and adjust course and make plans for the year ahead. Personally, I do New Year's resolutions, but I can NEVER hold myself to them too attentively, telling myself that I am "allowing room for life to just happen." So, a good mid-year inventory is on my birthday: 7/20.
The day I was born was the day that Apollo 11 landed on the moon and Neil Armstrong spoke those words forever changing the reach of humanity: " One small step for (a) man one giant leap for mankind." Naturally, this became my own personal benchmark for lifetime achievement. For better or worse, in the deepest reaches of my soul-- I ache to be remembered as an agent of change and a force for good...And to potentially equal the moon landing with my contributions to mankind. Tall order, but I am just competitive that way!
So without further ado, 5 things I learned in the past 25th year of my life;
1) I love to write, but calling myself a capital W writer still doesn't quite sit right with me. Also writing for me helps to get my brain from point A to point B to point Z, to process. When I am lost, I am a paused and refreshing GPS, "recalculating...RECALCULATING...RECALCULATING!" how in the world I got so totally and completely off the beaten path.
2)
Any shift-style job requires and demands one's whole energy, humility, patience, understanding, ad empathetic mindset balanced with equal parts urgency and grace. I am still harnessing these qualities, but I definitely learned way more than I intended to through my 1.5 years donning a green apron at Starbucks.
3)
I have a monumental fear of rejection that paralyzes me from even starting on something my heart may especially want. My head negates and will deny the need for that action. For opinionated or creative pursuits especially this rings true because this fear of rejection is rooted in a want for acceptance, and rocking the boat risks that in a way that startles my core. I think back to so many instances in the past year where instead of my normal mode of speaking up or stepping up to the plate, I got frightened at the mere idea that my thoughts may not be of value. This year, being at Starbucks and feeling underappreciated as a person were intertwined, and this ultimate, overwhelming confabulation of my existance as a pure FAILURE was like an ocean that simultaneously kept me threading water, but without a paddle or a raft to get to a safe shore. Shutting up and isolated in a sea of my own making. My goal for 26 is to get better at vocalizing this when I see it in myself and seeking out help and community in friends and family and potentially writing groups or other ventures to shift my fear of my own voice and leaning towards being heard.
4)
Being an unpaid caretaker, either as a wife or a family member or so on, does not negate that person's worth or value, and comes with its own baggage, meaning, and cultivated skillset. When I was younger, there was something so glamorous about women who worked. Their kids had more "stuff", had more time to themselves, and generally seemed, for lack of a better term, COOL. With my previous faults, my longing for acceptance led to my disdain for the concept of being "just a housewife." Spending extra time with my grandmother, who lost my grandfather almost 2 years ago after a extended battle in hospitals and late night ambulances, taught me not to be so dismissive of these powerful women figures in our history and our lives. My grandmother leads an immensely vivid and fulfilled life. She raised three children, and helped to raise 6 grandchildren, and had a 50-year marriage stronger than titanium. She learned multiple languages, and performs veena even still. She has this innate ability to make friends wherever she goes and an intuition for understanding how to be straight in a loving way with all in the family. She never stops walking with grace and a quiet power. When my grandfather was alive, he would defer to her decision-making, and just seeing that respect for her authority makes me realize that my role as a woman is to honor the innate genetic need to care for, support, and nurture others, but not to deny myself my curiosities and passions either. There is a beauty in living life as it comes and developing consistent yet small passions, too. For my grandmother, this is knitting and related crafts! She has recently fallen in love with Youtube and always searches out challenging patterns to make and give to her grandchildren. Labors of love, always in the name of others.
5)
GROWTH happens out of one's comfort zone. For me, having a point-to type of plan for my life from 15 onwards (: college, (masters), PhD, research, marriage, kids, tenure...) hilarious in hindsight, was what was COMFORTABLE. it is comfortable and familiar to know what the directions are on the highway of life. But the best things in life happen with a combination of preparation and serendipity. That one sunset off that mistaken exit. That rainbow you only saw because you were going the "wrong" way. For me, trying to rely on graduate school to give me a lifeplan and purpose was also comfortable. It was complacent and removed agency. I honestly couldn't articulate what made me DECIDE to go to graduate school beyond the vague intent that I would get eventually to my ever-changing and nebulous final goal of affecting change on a societal level. My myriad rejections, first from institutions that I thought may suit me (Berkeley) to being ejected from an environment that was purely toxic (for me), to various rejections from all styles of job interviews and companies and career paths from teaching to pure management consulting to design, and rejection from a community where I had finally thought I HAD been accepted. Sigh.And that is not to mention the pivotal and Atlassian burden of societal rejection through underemployment at a food service shift job. All of these rejections brought me to a heightened fight or flight. Constantly pivoting, constantly seeking alternate routes to success. Constantly learning and growing. Being prepared but open to life's natural order is what led me to my current job. I am studying a data science certification right now, and though it is tough I enjoy what I am learning and finding that I have an aptitude for this type of work. Then I happened to put myself out of my comfort zone again by attending a networking event without bringing a friend. These two steps and a whole lot of good mojo and "The Secret" and general belief that things will work out eventually led me to a person who was equally open to serving and helping someone out. This small step CHANGED my life and I am rewarded with an incredible opportunity to grow, learn, and further inch toward my ULTIMATE goals. I used to scoff at the saying, "Do something that scare you every day," but find that it is true; if you want to grow quickly, you got to be deliberately uncomfortable and find comfort in the fact that eventually, you will learn and bloom like a long awaited orchid, beautiful and arresting, with grace and persistence. If you want to hear more about my last couple of years, I am definitely going to write a few more reflections about them. And if you are curious about what the heck I am up to, I am working at the SaaS company Everbridge & I love my new job. :) I will maybe write more about it as permitted, but fear not, I have lot more motivation and accountability to stay writing than in the past.
 |
| walden sometime last fall. |
The day I was born was the day that Apollo 11 landed on the moon and Neil Armstrong spoke those words forever changing the reach of humanity: " One small step for (a) man one giant leap for mankind." Naturally, this became my own personal benchmark for lifetime achievement. For better or worse, in the deepest reaches of my soul-- I ache to be remembered as an agent of change and a force for good...And to potentially equal the moon landing with my contributions to mankind. Tall order, but I am just competitive that way!
So without further ado, 5 things I learned in the past 25th year of my life;
1) I love to write, but calling myself a capital W writer still doesn't quite sit right with me. Also writing for me helps to get my brain from point A to point B to point Z, to process. When I am lost, I am a paused and refreshing GPS, "recalculating...RECALCULATING...RECALCULATING!" how in the world I got so totally and completely off the beaten path.
2)
Any shift-style job requires and demands one's whole energy, humility, patience, understanding, ad empathetic mindset balanced with equal parts urgency and grace. I am still harnessing these qualities, but I definitely learned way more than I intended to through my 1.5 years donning a green apron at Starbucks.
3)
I have a monumental fear of rejection that paralyzes me from even starting on something my heart may especially want. My head negates and will deny the need for that action. For opinionated or creative pursuits especially this rings true because this fear of rejection is rooted in a want for acceptance, and rocking the boat risks that in a way that startles my core. I think back to so many instances in the past year where instead of my normal mode of speaking up or stepping up to the plate, I got frightened at the mere idea that my thoughts may not be of value. This year, being at Starbucks and feeling underappreciated as a person were intertwined, and this ultimate, overwhelming confabulation of my existance as a pure FAILURE was like an ocean that simultaneously kept me threading water, but without a paddle or a raft to get to a safe shore. Shutting up and isolated in a sea of my own making. My goal for 26 is to get better at vocalizing this when I see it in myself and seeking out help and community in friends and family and potentially writing groups or other ventures to shift my fear of my own voice and leaning towards being heard.
4)
Being an unpaid caretaker, either as a wife or a family member or so on, does not negate that person's worth or value, and comes with its own baggage, meaning, and cultivated skillset. When I was younger, there was something so glamorous about women who worked. Their kids had more "stuff", had more time to themselves, and generally seemed, for lack of a better term, COOL. With my previous faults, my longing for acceptance led to my disdain for the concept of being "just a housewife." Spending extra time with my grandmother, who lost my grandfather almost 2 years ago after a extended battle in hospitals and late night ambulances, taught me not to be so dismissive of these powerful women figures in our history and our lives. My grandmother leads an immensely vivid and fulfilled life. She raised three children, and helped to raise 6 grandchildren, and had a 50-year marriage stronger than titanium. She learned multiple languages, and performs veena even still. She has this innate ability to make friends wherever she goes and an intuition for understanding how to be straight in a loving way with all in the family. She never stops walking with grace and a quiet power. When my grandfather was alive, he would defer to her decision-making, and just seeing that respect for her authority makes me realize that my role as a woman is to honor the innate genetic need to care for, support, and nurture others, but not to deny myself my curiosities and passions either. There is a beauty in living life as it comes and developing consistent yet small passions, too. For my grandmother, this is knitting and related crafts! She has recently fallen in love with Youtube and always searches out challenging patterns to make and give to her grandchildren. Labors of love, always in the name of others.
5)
GROWTH happens out of one's comfort zone. For me, having a point-to type of plan for my life from 15 onwards (: college, (masters), PhD, research, marriage, kids, tenure...) hilarious in hindsight, was what was COMFORTABLE. it is comfortable and familiar to know what the directions are on the highway of life. But the best things in life happen with a combination of preparation and serendipity. That one sunset off that mistaken exit. That rainbow you only saw because you were going the "wrong" way. For me, trying to rely on graduate school to give me a lifeplan and purpose was also comfortable. It was complacent and removed agency. I honestly couldn't articulate what made me DECIDE to go to graduate school beyond the vague intent that I would get eventually to my ever-changing and nebulous final goal of affecting change on a societal level. My myriad rejections, first from institutions that I thought may suit me (Berkeley) to being ejected from an environment that was purely toxic (for me), to various rejections from all styles of job interviews and companies and career paths from teaching to pure management consulting to design, and rejection from a community where I had finally thought I HAD been accepted. Sigh.And that is not to mention the pivotal and Atlassian burden of societal rejection through underemployment at a food service shift job. All of these rejections brought me to a heightened fight or flight. Constantly pivoting, constantly seeking alternate routes to success. Constantly learning and growing. Being prepared but open to life's natural order is what led me to my current job. I am studying a data science certification right now, and though it is tough I enjoy what I am learning and finding that I have an aptitude for this type of work. Then I happened to put myself out of my comfort zone again by attending a networking event without bringing a friend. These two steps and a whole lot of good mojo and "The Secret" and general belief that things will work out eventually led me to a person who was equally open to serving and helping someone out. This small step CHANGED my life and I am rewarded with an incredible opportunity to grow, learn, and further inch toward my ULTIMATE goals. I used to scoff at the saying, "Do something that scare you every day," but find that it is true; if you want to grow quickly, you got to be deliberately uncomfortable and find comfort in the fact that eventually, you will learn and bloom like a long awaited orchid, beautiful and arresting, with grace and persistence. If you want to hear more about my last couple of years, I am definitely going to write a few more reflections about them. And if you are curious about what the heck I am up to, I am working at the SaaS company Everbridge & I love my new job. :) I will maybe write more about it as permitted, but fear not, I have lot more motivation and accountability to stay writing than in the past.
Comments
Post a Comment